It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
