I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
