Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The uberlube is also flammable
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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