Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
