Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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