I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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