Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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