I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
