I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
