honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
