Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
