Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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