I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
