I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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