I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize