we have pet lesbian snakes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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