1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
