I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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