White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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