jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize