party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
