words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
