You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
