I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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