If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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