Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
