I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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