she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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