Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
