I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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