FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
