The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
