Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize