I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
