eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
