we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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