All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
