when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
