i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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