I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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