I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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