I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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