I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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