I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
