Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize