naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This is the high leading the old right now
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
