Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
