You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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