gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
