haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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