I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
