1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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