If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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