dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
