I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Cover your peen. We're going out.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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