Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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