My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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