she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
