ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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