...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
