dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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