8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
